ADOBE PREMIERE ELEMENTS 9 IS THE MOST LARGEST PILE OF STEAMING GIRAFFE SHIT EVER TO HAVE BEEN CREATED. IT IS BEYOND BROKEN AND IS CONSTANTLY DEFECATING INTO ITS OWN MOUTH FROM ITS NOSE. I SWEAR, ADOBE LITERALLY PULLED THEIR ASS CHEEKS APART, SHAT OUT THIS MUTATED ANUS BABY, ABUSED THE SHIT OUT OF IT AND THEN SOLD IT. FUCK YOU, ADOBE. FUCK. YOU.
It may be true that, when passing by a pedestrian while in the safety of a car, a swelling desire to open my mouth and unleash a loud unintelligible noise in their direction through the window challenges my better judgement. However, my better judgement usually succeeds and I settle for unleashing that desire unto squirrels or birds that I may pass by.
For a while, I thought this desire was something only I and a few others had. But, over the course of a few years, I’ve realized this desire flows through the majority of my town’s population, and on many occasions, I’ve been the victim of this desire. Unfortunately, their unintelligible screams are actually quite intelligible, as most of them consist of profane remarks such as “fuck you”. However, some people fall back to the mindless loud barks just to startle their victims as the driver revs the engine hard enough to cause the muffler to detach.
It seems that, no matter what, if I am close enough on foot to a passing car, an individual will haphazardly hurl himself halfway outside his rolled down window and very pointedly insult me. I am left shocked and bewildered. It happens so fast, and by the time I have a retort formulated (like “fuck you, too” or “bless you and your family”), the car has already turned a corner in a haste.
After experiencing these sudden spouts of discourtesy, I’ve become increasingly less attracted to the idea of leaving the house. Even on my brightest days — when I’m feeling good enough to stop and smell some flowers, an asshole always screeches by in a car, screaming “fuck you!” I’ve come to assume this is nothing more than the modern way to greet people, and if it isn’t, it might as well be.